I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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