saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
