the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
