one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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