The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
