Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
