omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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