I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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