I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
