hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
