I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
