She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I want a musical about memes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
