I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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