i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
