thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
