not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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