Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
