just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
