I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
