can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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