Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
