Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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