in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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