What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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