apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
