I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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