he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
