Pants 0. Shit 1.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Everyone says I win the strip club
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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