I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
