True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
