ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
