i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
