We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
