I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
