he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
