I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
