I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My ATM looks so different sober.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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