I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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