You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
