I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
