There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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