The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
