Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
