I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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