New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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