you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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