I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
