He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
