I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
