apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
