He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
